Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6: SPACE RACE
9/11/11

Billy held the phone
Taut against his face.

He was phoning Zane.

While the phone rang, he mused that 'Maidenrod' was an amusing name – perhaps even pornographic. He sat in his living room, looking at a printout of an email – an email in which someone threatened to kidnap all 14 of his mom's lawn gnomes (who counted them?), pack the mailbox with cow crap, and mail his first-born child to China, if he didn't stop seeing Callista Lovhay.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

An answering machine picked up. “Hello.. ZANE THE BRAIN.. is not here right now. If you'd like to leave a call-back number, press pound. Please leave a message after the tone.”

After the beep, Billy said, “Zane; I know that this email is from you. I mean, c'mon. You made it obvious. Everyone else stopped calling me 'Bananapants' after the 6th grade.” He paused, rolling his eyes. “Zane, you gotta grow up, man. Just because you tried to take Callie's virginity last summer, it doesn't make you 'her man'. I mean, c'mon, if she wanted you, she would have dated you.. last year.” He twisted the cord, impatiently. “Call me back, and talk to me like a man.”

After hanging up, he dialed Callista. She answered within the first three rings.

“Hey. Why did you just call Zane?”

“You know?”

“He's right here, beside me.” She sighed. “What's this about?”

“Get him to listen to the message. Say, how do you feel about pizza, and a movie?”

“Hmm..” Callista hummed. “Why don't you tell me why you phoned Zane – how'd you even get his number?”

“I checked from your phone. This is between Zane and I. So, like. How's a pizza sound, about now?” He could hear muttering in the background. “C'mon, Callie. I haven't seen you in almost two weeks.” More muttering. “Callie.. c'mon. This is ol' Wild Bill speaking. You know I hate going so long without seeing you.”

“It's not like you're getting some nookie out of me, either,” she said. She went back to muttering to Zane. “What's this about Zane emailing you? He didn't.”

He tapped a foot, hitting out the tune for “Shave and a Haircut”. “It was him, trust me.” He could hear her, mulling the situation over. “The guy's just jealous that you give me hickies, then, whine to him when you're not in the mood with me.”

She snickered. “He DOES hate that...” More muttering. “Okay. I tell you what, I could really go for a pizza. How about Tasty, Tasty Italia, instead of some stupid big-chain place with a bazillion TVs?” He could hear Zane objecting.

“Heyyyy!” she exclaimed. “Zane didn't try to take my virginity; I tried to take HIS. The kid just didn't know a good offer, when one was handed to him.” Again, Billy could hear something about, “BAR-NAR-NAR-PANTS,” in the background.. more objecting. “Anyway – you're no virgin, Billy. Why the big ballsy-manly space-race feud, all of a sudden?”

“Maybe I just like the idea of a little competition. Besides, the little doof tried to scare me off by claiming he'd go all Matthew Good on my mom's lawn gnomes.”

“Okay, okay. That is lame.” Callista chewed on something, making an irritating noise on the line. “Can I at least stop Zane from throwing himself in a canal, before you come by?” Billy could still hear Zane romping around, being a holy menace.

“QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME ON THE PHONE!!” Billy heard. “I'm not a goddamn kid!” Billy had a funny feeling that Zane was blushing like crazy, and throwing papers around the room. He pictured a cartoony Zane, being a pain in the butt. “At least.. don't talk to Bananapants about personal stuff involving ME, okay?” Hoboy; Zane was getting hysterical!

“Oh, c'mon, Callie. Let me come over, and freak him out some more. This is hilarious.”

Callista made a little 'pishh' noise. “It's nooooooot. I totally promised I'd never tell anyone.. thanks.”

“Well, then.” He checked his watch. “Next time, remember: secrets aren't secrets, when you tell ol' Billy Bananapants something funny. Now.. c'mon. Tuck Zane in, and getchyer ass out to the porch. I'll be there in like 15 minutes.”

“Alright,” Callista said. She sounded impatient.

“Do you want to see something new, in theater – or do you want to rent something classic?”

“Mmm. I dunno. I'm in the mood for something stupid. What's the latest 'teen comedy' shit thing?”

“I dunno. Probably something half-baked with Will Ferrell or Seth Rogan in it. How about something a little more.. actually entertaining? I was thinking – when was the last time you watched the Friday the 13th set? I could go for that, or, like a Sean Connery-era Bond-fest.”

“Mmm. Franchise-y.” There was a pause. “ZANE. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TAKE A CHILL PILL. Sorry.. Zane's still being a pissy bitch. We need to corner Janet, and make her give up a little punani to the poor bugger.”

“Okay: 15 minutes?”

“Hell yes. Get me out of this drama!”