CALLISTA LOVHAY
* 1991
* A firey redhead, who isn't prepared to take your shit.
* Callista is 10x more interested in the color of her lips than she is about most things.
ZANE MAIDENROD
* 1989* Callista's best friend.
* A smart, but doofy motherfucker. He had the misfortune of letting his sister dye his hair, AND jump a fence naked, all in the same day.
DARLA LOVHAY
* 1966
* Callista's mom. She's in the middle of a penpal romance with David Hagg.
NADINE LOVHAY
* 1993
* Callista's sister. Much more well-behaved than Callista, too.
TODD LOVHAY
* 1995
* Callista's brother. He's a quirky little shit who plays video games all night.
CORINE MAIDENROD
* 1950
* Zane's zany mom.
*
Zane knew people with grandparents as old as his mom; none of those people went to recent-band concerts, or tried to shack up with 20-somethings. Wellp; Mom was real special. Cher was older than Mom, by a decade. Yoko Ono was also in her 70s. Both of those ladies seemed to be rocking forever-on in to their golden-dentures years. At least he knew there were no other sisters planned – Dolly happened 2 years before he did; both of Corine's kids were planned – then, she had her lady-bits pulled out. Mom could shack up with Zac Efron, but, she couldn't produce another sister.
DOLLY MAIDENROD
* 1987
* Zane's absent older sister. She came over once, to dye his hair, and fuck with his day. She's an art student, moonlighting as a hairdresser.
DAVID HAGG:
* 1960
* He's the dude who's courting Darla via letters. They met in Bombay.
HELMUT MORRISON
* 1925
* Callista reads to him, every Wednesday.
*
The dude was verging on 87, but he refused to commit himself to an old folks' home. The little booger was half-blind, deaf in one ear, but, to give the guy credit, he could still muscle a fridge around, if he felt like it. Even with his giant horn-rimmed glasses – more like goggles – he couldn't see the extra-big letters in books.
BILLY "BANANAPANTS" BROSTER
* 1990
* Known for wearing bright yellow pants for a whole year, back in elementary school. He's an asshole with a perfect Vanilla Ice hairdo. Also, much to Zane's distaste -- is trying to court Callista.
JANET WHIMPLE
* 1988
* Zane's frigid girlfriend.
* “-- Janet Whimple? We used to call her Nunnery.” -- Bananapants.
*
But then, there was always Janet. Dear Janet; she was about as prim as an entry in a Miss Manners page. Sometimes, when Callie would complain about her various boyfriends, they'd also bitch about Janet; Callie would sing Damnit, Janet, from Rocky Horror. Usually, as a reply, Zane would sing Touch-a, Toucha-a, Touch Me. Mostly out of a vague sense of wishful thinking. But then, Janet did cheat on Brad, with Rocky. Maybe not, then. Janet vaguely reminded him of Callie's cousin, Sissy – pre-cancer, of course. Well. If Sissy was virginal, and hellbent on Grease. Hairspray. Jesus. Maybe she was gay?
JIM NORRIS
* 1977
* A crazy-ass motherfucker; he drives a bus -- usually right through busy crosswalks.
*
In spite of his girth, Norris was notorious for chasing down unruly riders – if they provoked some shit, and tried to run, Norris'd scoop up his keys, and book it after the offending person(s). Norris was fond of leaping at the offender(s), pinning them down with his bulk. More often or not, a broken arm usually discouraged riders from ever misbehaving on the bus ever again.
SISSY CALLAWAY
* 1990
* The cancer cousin!
*
“-- When I first found out about the cancer, I was a total cockslut. You know, before I looked like Kate Moss,” Sissy interrupted. She gestured down her body with the cigarette hand.
